A while back, I wrote a blog called, 'Haunted.' It was about my procrastination in cleaning out my closet, because of all the memories and pictures, etc., but finally I did, and now I wonder why it took me ten years to finally do this. So many things have happened to me. There were the recovery from hard times period, the wild partying period, the boyfriends period, the sobriety period, the commission for the blind period, the engagement period, the shopping period, the severe poverty period, but all in all, it has been a little bleak, not to mention Alan getting sick and dying so suddenly. Oh, and getting David through high school, and then there is Ted.
So, now things have really slowed down. Lately, I feel like something about me screams loser, but this may just be my imagination. I might only be mildly talented, not sure.
As I went through papers and things, throwing away most of it, because I could barely read it, I began wondering when I am going to have to hire someone to help with paper work. I am not quite there yet. Speaking of RP, a woman in my support group had both her kids diagnosed the same day like mine. I cried tears of sorrow for her, which is weird because I got jealous of a guy on Christmas Eve, because he said, "thank God," his kids didn't have it. I had to go back and apologize for saying it was not fair to thank God, because it made it sound like those not as fortunate are not blessed. I mean, no one made me, I wanted to apologize, because I realized how messed up I acted about it. Jealousy truly is evil sometimes, even though it is normal. It is good to be happy for others.
So, back to going through stuff, there was my love letter box. Some of my ex-boyfriends' letters were incredibly long. I had to throw some of them away, but there were some sweet words too. One went, "Dear Leslie,
I am staying with a woman, but you don't have to be
jealous, because she weighs about..."
One letter from me, a typed email, went like this sort of:
"Dear ___"
I really think you should reconsider the way you are acting
towards___..., he has been very generous, etc... I am not sure
how I stand on things right now..."
Letter back goes, "So is this before or after you___???, etc..."
So, finally the task is complete. I am awake way too early today, due to an errand that was pressing on my mind until it was done. I cannot think straight until afternoon. It is sort of like a permanent hangover, only minus the drinking. 'Wake up, self... Darn you...'
Hope this blog is not too flippant, but I am never going to fit in with the world anyway, so I need to stop worrying about it. People never forgive you for things, even things that happened twenty years ago, that did not even concern them. They put you in a little box, but it is not our business what others think. No need to rent space, and all that good stuff.
If you subscribe to Kripalu Magazine like I do, you can check out the yoga clothing, although I cannot read the print. I still like looking at the pictures. They do have magazines on talking books, but I never ordered any from the state library, because I cannot imagine reading an entire magazine, back to back, every article. Men sometimes say they only get Playboy for the articles, but the only men who are being truthful, are blind men. Seriously.
Anyhoo, when it comes to yoga clothing, I think if you teach yoga, I can see spending money on really great yoga clothes, such as Beyond Yoga and PrAna, but if you are just taking a class or doing it at home, I think yoga pants and tops from Walmart or Target are good enough.
The summer before last, I went to Charleston with a girlfriend, to visit one of my friends from the school for the blind, and we stayed with a lady who is a doctor. I never get up early, but I agreed to get up early to go to yoga with her. She had beautiful yoga pants, which she said she bought online for about sixty dollars. I coveted them. They were the kind with slits in the back, and really quick drying, wicking material, easy care, pretty, etc..
I ended up finding a pair of teal green ones for a little over thirty online, from Beyond Yoga. They were the only slightly expensive yoga pants I have bought. Now I am longing for a pair of straight ones in orange, but I am being good and patient. It has been a year and a half, but I suppose that since I am not going to classes right now, and did not get my teaching certification, I can just do yoga in anything that stretches. I even do yoga in my jeans sometimes, the ones with stretch in them, but I prefer to wear yoga pants.
I think just regular tanks and teas, both long and short sleeved are good enough. I do not find shelf bras comfortable. For men who might be reading this, that is a built in bra, which many yoga shirts have. I have two like that, both from J.C. Penney's, one purple and one gray and pink, with matching pants.
I like the kind of yoga pants that fold over at the waste, and I kind of prefer the shorter ones, because I am 5'3", so I have actually had to hem yoga pants. I can sew with an eyeless needle, stuck in a cork, a trick I learned in Columbia, at the commission.
Speaking of Columbia, I took a wonderful ashtanga yoga class there, advanced, at City Yoga in the university area. It was an intense time, and I ended up crying during shavasana every time, which is actually a good thing, a release of all that is no longer serving one, or what Eckhart Tolle calls our 'pain body.'
The instructor had gorgeous yoga attire, the best I had ever seen. They also sold yoga clothes, which I looked at longingly, while waiting for my ride. They had royal blue, cotton pants and absolutely gorgeous tops.
About five years ago, I went up to Calabash, North Carolina, to a consignment shop, where we found a gray and red yoga outfit, that one of my girlfriends got me as a birthday present. We were celebrating my birthday. That was a really cute one, too, and not too expensive, being at a consignment store, another option for finding great yoga clothes. I do not suggest Goodwill for yoga clothes. I haven't seen any good ones, and I prefer not to have someone else's energy on my yoga clothes. They tend to be more personal, since you sweat on them, etc..
Well, that is enough about yoga clothes for today, I suppose. Next time, perhaps, I could discuss yoga mats, blocks, bolsters, Mexican blankets, straps and other props, not to mention yoga carrying bags that you sling over your shoulder.
Eckhart Tolle says that when we do not like someone, it is our ego struggling for survival. Of course, that is what the ego does. We take others' inventory. We may be right, and yet, only the ego is what is threatened.
Still, I see a lot around me that makes no sense. I see people clamoring for spiritual success and prestige in the eyes of their peers in their insular community. I see so much of this in the Meher Baba world. It is strange. They line up to embrace someone, just because they met Meher Baba, but not the people who met Meher Baba, the ones who they approve of. I see so much unpalatable behavior around the Meher Center, that I find it utterly shocking and disappointing. I wonder how they can be this stupid, this insane, this ridiculous.
I realize that my ego is judging all of this, but I know deep down that this is all sick. It is all so strange to me. I see the egos of others, so desperate to defend their important stature, perceived by self or others. I see them play into the game. I observe, and it sickens me, literally.
I see the hypocrisy, the lack of morals and ethics, the lack of compassion or insight. There is no one in that entire community that I could reach out to, that would understand anything I am saying, because they are so caught in the 'bull shit.'
Again, I know this is ego, which makes me perceive this way, and yet it is so dark and false, that it saddens me. I wish one person could see the insanity. It would give me some hope about it, some ease to the horror of it, but I see people who are supposedly intelligent, playing into these silly things, these games.
I realize there is nothing I can do about it, and I have to just let go of it, and just walk away from it. I need to let go. I have no power, and I do feel a sense of separation, but in a good way. There are so many agendas going on, that it baffles me, and not one bit of it is honest or sincere. If it is, it is very naïve.
