Margie's Christmas

     When Margie entered the bar in her low cut red dress on Christmas Eve, the men smirked.  They knew her.  Laughter even erupted a bit as she walked gracefully across the room, her wild red brown hair framing her heart shaped face, eyes done up.
     "Who wants to buy her a drink this time?," Benny cried out, and everyone laughed loudly, raising their glasses. 
     She sat down on a bar stool next to Johnny.  He looked over at her.  He was the nice one, of them all.
     "Hey Johnny," she gushed.
     Johnny hugged her around her shoulders.  He had tied on a few already.  He had been sitting at the bar since 1:00 that afternoon, drinking gin and tonics.  It was six o'clock now.
     "What are you drinking, Margie?  Merlot, as usual," he asked her.
     She nodded as he lit her cigarette.
     She blew out the smoke into the misty blue air.  "Yeah, that'd be great."
     Rudy came over.  He was a regular, an Italian guy, who did construction for a living.  He had liked Margie in a romantic way when she first started coming, but when he saw how pathetic she was, he just began to pity her somehow.  Everyone did, and yet some would say she was a person who just used everybody to buy her a drink, to flatter her, whatever it was she needed at the time.
      "Hey, Margie, why aren't you home with your kids?," he asked.  She had two teenagers.
     "They're probably partying right now as we speak."  She took another drag on her smoke.  Truthfully, although that was usually the case, tonight she had promised to watch It's a Wonderful Life, their usual Christmas tradition, but somehow drinking had become her way of life, and the bar had become her haven, rather than home.  She did not know why.  She just felt alone sometimes with no man in her life, when the kids were partying with their friends, and she was by herself.
     She had had men in her life, but they were always abusive in one way or the other.  They either hit her, stole money from her, had a drug problem, or cheated on her.  One was just completely berating and psychologically abusive.  She was tired of it all.  It seemed like this bar, The Oasis, was her only refuge these days.  She did love her kids, and she would die for them.  At forty-four she still wanted something.  She just did not know what it was.
     "You should go home, Margie," the very sober Rudy muttered.
     "Oh, go sit down," Jamie, the bartender, told him.  He did not want Rudy and Johnny getting into it, which they did from time to time.  Rudy had a way of trying to tell everyone what to do, and how to live their life.  Jamie knew that although Rudy could handle his liquor, never even got drunk, he could be a handful. 
     He did, and Margie continued to talk and laugh with Johnny. 
     People did not know what to make of Margie.  She lived in her hometown, but the people who knew her longest even, did not know what to make of her.  Some pitied her.  Some loathed her.  Some loved her out of some sort of noble idealism, but no one truly knew her or even took the time to.
     To some she was a gypsy, even though she had lived in the same place longer than anyone else.  To some she was a witch or a sorceress, a wiccan with her Stevie Nicks style clothing.  To some she was a new age hippie free spirit, who had no rules in life, and therefore she threatened society, their view of it.  The truth was she did have rules, she just did not play by their rules.  That was the distinction they did not understand.  She was a good person in many ways, but she was constantly judged as not a good person by her community, because few would take the time to really know her, as though she were beneath them all somehow.
     She was not attracted to Johnny, but he was a friend, or a least she thought so.  She was joking about going to a strip bar with him.  She really had no intention, but she joked about it, and he did too.  Where else could they go when the bar closed?  She certainly was not going to go home with him or vice versa.  She just did not see him that way.  She truthfully, never really picked men up, anyway.  He would have to be a serious boyfriend to even come to her home, and meet her kids, except that one cute young guy she met at her friend's party.  She literally had walked into her house that night, holding his hand, saying to her teenage son, "this is my boyfriend, Brendon," like they were in a committed relationship already.  It was really quite comical.  Still, even then, she had gotten her wits about her and sent him on his way.  Not to mention, she was a bit messed up and paranoid that night.  That was not like her at all.
     The bar closed.  "Look, I'm going home to my kids," she slurred.  Johnny lit her cigarette.  They stood outside the bar.
     "Oh, come on Margie.  It'll be fun."
     "No," she said, and stomped out her cigarette with her high heel boot.  "Here's my cab.  Merry Christmas, Johnny."
     "Merry Christmas," he drawled as he watched her close the door and ride away in the passenger seat of her cab.
     When she walked in her front door, the kids were still up watching television.  "Hey, let's have some coco and watch It's a Wonderful Life," she said, throwing down her red woolen wrap.
     Relieved to be home, safe and sound, she threw down her purse and kicked off her boots, while the kids got out the movie. 
     "I'm glad you didn't forget, Mom," Daniel, her younger son said.  She smiled at him, still a bit tipsy, but glad she made the right choice.  She put the water on to boil in the kettle.  The Christmas tree lights sparkled, and everything was alright in the world for now, she thought.  It was alright for now, and now was all there was.
    

                                          The End

Author's note: I originally had a tragic ending, where she decides to drive drunk with Johnny in the car.  She had decided to go home, but he came and got in the car anyway.  I guess each moment is a chance to do the right thing.  I guess I rewrote my own story in a way, but gave it another chance for her to do the right thing, but of course I have many times done the right thing.  I have been watching lots of dark films with strange endings that make you wonder.  I just did not want to depress everyone on Christmas.  I did not want to depress my readers.  Life can be hard enough for many of us.  I hope you liked my story anyway, even if it was a bit unusual.

Stop Being Someone that Somebody Else Wants You to Be; Be Yourself No Matter What

     In my last blog, I talked about change and moving on.  I am a strong believer in this.  For years I have studied the I Ching, also known as 'the book of change.'  In Chinese philosophy and other philosophies as well, even Christian, change is always going to be the state of the world, life, existence.
     As much as one may want to resist change, that will only exist one, because change is inevitable, in one way or another. 
     Recently, I have changed my life in many ways, not all by my own choice exactly, but fully knowing what was best for my soul.  I cannot be anyone I am not.  I have been there, done that, in relationships in the past, and the definition of insanity is repeating the same mistakes over and over, expecting different results.
     I would never ever try to be anything or anyone I am not.  At one time, I would.  I was sort of born in the wrong time, wrong place, wrong family, wrong everything.  Many people feel this way, and so we seek out wrong everything and everyone, because we think we do not deserve better than always being second best, second fiddle, and less than all the time.
     Those of us, who are not from loving homes, seek people out, subconsciously, because we do not feel we deserve any better than this.  This is very sad, because every person is a beautiful child of God.  They just do not know it.
      Our society and culture preaches and teaches, 'specialness,' something obsolete in its falsehood.  A Course in Miracles explains this well.
     There was a time in my youth, no matter how gorgeous, intelligent, and talented I was, I would feel less than a man, and feel lucky to have him at all, because I was never taught in any way, to love or value myself.
      Things have not changed, in terms of sexism.  As many videos I have produced for my Youtube channel, the only one that got many, many hits, was the one interviewing my brother.  Why?  It is simple.  He is male.  I am female.  Females will always be less than males in the world's view.  We have an African American president, but will we ever really have a woman president or even vice president?
      Stop being who your parental figures in your head want, or a stupid spouse wants.  Be who you truly, truly are, a beautiful child of God.  They cannot touch that, no matter how hard they try.

Why the Heart May Close from Time to Time/ How to Overcome This

     Many, many people come from far from perfect upbringings and parenting.  From the reviews on Amazon.com, Toxic Parenting is a helpful book for many.  This is an example of how so many people have barely been able to overcome their difficulties, much of which was caused by a lack of enlightened or loving parenting.
     From the time we are born, our nerve synapses are taking in information, learning, experiencing, intuition, call and response.  It is the age old topic of 'nature vs. nurture,' how identical twins raised in different surrounding, if given up for adoption, can be so different, even the same exact DNA, if identical.  You know how, on crime shows, the perfect murder is sometimes committed by the evil twin.  If there is no way of proving who's DNA, than how do we know?
     I am not hear to vent or to talk about my own life, or whatever may be or could have been.  Still, some people, given what they are given or not given, are almost doomed from the start.  I consider myself one such person.  Yes, I know I am very semi-successful in certain circles, but if you look at my life as a whole, you would see that in many ways I have failed to achieve the things I set out to.
     I realize that I am not unique in this way.  Still, as a mother, I know what being a mother is about.  You know how Obama said, "anyone can be a father, but it takes more to be a dad."  He is right about that, and that includes being a mom.
     Many women in our society have had to let the father have custody for a period of time, and that does not make you a bad mother, not in my book.  It is not about us, the mother.  It is about the child. 
     Their are two kinds of mothers that are dysfunctional, the collapsed mother and the child mother, who is such a child herself, that she cannot be an adult.  Some mothers grow out of this, while others never can, and remain adult children all their lives. who cannot comprehend, nor value the feelings of their children or even grandchildren.  I do not want to get all pop-psychology, but these mothers are usually narcissistic, and this may not be entirely their fault, because the legacy of bad parenting may not have started with them.
     In the book, Women Who Run With the Wolves, Pinkola, PhD., talks about how women who are not properly mothered, can heal through relationships with other women, as well as older women, who may be mentors to them, as well as friends.  It is very important that women bond with women of all ages, young and old. 
     Now to talk about my topic, I guess to heal the heart, one needs to forgive, all the while, still protecting oneself through healthy boundaries with the people who have hurt us consistently. 
     If we forgive and move on, we can find a place in our hearts that is open to love and feel compassion for others.  People would be amazed how many people on this planet are psychopaths, meaning they cannot feel empathy.  But, you know if you are not a psychopath, what it is to have a truly compassionate open heart, and that is all that counts.
     Although, one can never truly overcome hardships of their past, pain of it, we can overcome the anger, the holding on.  We can love ourselves, even if that is not how we were raised.  We have to learn sometimes, but if we want to have healthy relationships ever, with others, we need to love ourselves, and even forgive our parents, especially mothers, who we craved nurturing from the most I think.
     The biggest thing is that you survived, you, you made it.  You have feeling for others.  You can be a good parent.  You can overcome a legacy of pain, and you can break a cycle of dysfunction.  

Home and Hearth/ Helpful Suggestions Feng Shui Style/ Southern Style

     Recently, I have been really interested in the best colors for the bedroom, Feng Shui style.  According to blogs I have read, the combination of warm, earthy brown and robin's egg blue are most effective.  White is also a good color, especially combined with brown.  However, for children's bedrooms, brown is not recommended. 
     Brown is also good in kitchens, and speaking of kitchens, I was at my sister and brother in law's for dinner, and their home belongs in a magazine, so country, so southern, so rustic.
     I watched her make a large chicken.  Once the giblets were out and on the baking pan, chicken seasoned liberally, vegetable strewn about for roasting, I observed her stuff rosemary, straight from the garden, right into the chicken, as well as a whole lemon, cut in half.
      The result was amazing, tender, earthy.
      So, on to bedrooms, I will say that high thread count sheets are better, in my opinion, than microfiber.  Although they have thread count up to one-thousand, I find that four-hundred is great, and cheaper, but sometimes, one-hundred, eighty can be enough.
     If you have shopped for a throw this year, you may have found Sherpa, which is fake sheep's wool.  You know, the wooly stuff, with a velvety exterior.  It is warm, lovely, and if the package says hypoallergenic, the more reason to buy it. 
     Jackets are also made of Sherpa, and they are especially worth buying for warmth.  I happen to like Dickie's brand of jeans, kakis, and general work apparel, tee's, etc..
     I hope you find this blog helpful, for shopping and household. 

Coffee, Coffee, Coffee

     Much can be said about coffee, and much can be said about the lack of coffee.  Mainly, many people, such as myself, drink coffee, especially one cup in the morning. 
     I learned in school that coffee originated in Arabia, and that the cows were eating the beans and getting hyper.  It is hard for me to imagine a hyper cow, all jacked up on caffeine, but they say that that was how they figured out that it was edible, but that it would give you a jolt of energy.
     Edgar Casey, the renowned psychic from Virginia, who died years ago, said that coffee was good for you, as long as you drank it black. 
     Over the years, especially back in the eighties, when I was young, I have met many people who thought coffee was really bad, like a drug, and that included my ex-husband, so we did not drink coffee until I changed that rule.  In California, I used to sneak out for a cappuccino, because my ex forbade me to drink coffee.  I was tired, because I had a toddler, worked, and life in Los Angeles can make you feel lousy, especially when the smog was bad, back in those days.

     After a life of making drip coffee, making coffee in a French press, etc., I started drinking instant when I went to stay at a friend's house, who does not drink or keep coffee around.  I found that I like Nescafe.
     Although coffee is definitely common in Europe, if you go to India or South America, they just have Nescafe, and coffee drinking is less common. 
     Of course, at five star hotels anywhere, you can get any coffee you want, but not in general, such as people's homes and restaurants. 
     Some yoga retreats did not used to have coffee on the menu, such as Kripalu in the Berkshires.  My yoga teacher studied there, and said that if you got a headache, they had a secret stash.
     Well, enough said about coffee for today.

Suggestions on Improving One's Life

     I know that everyone, or many people, are online mostly these days, but I have suggestions on creating a more miraculous life in many areas.  The possibilities are wide, but it seems sometimes like the walls of life can be closing in.  At least for me sometimes, it is like that.
     Most people have more mobility than I do, so some of these things may be easier for you than for me.  Also, if you have money, you have more options, but do not lose heart, if like me, you do not have money.  I just am not bourgeois.  I guess I would be if I could be, but it does not seem to be me karma now.
     Get Marianne Williamson's meditation CD's, Meditations for a Miraculous Life.  I purchased them on Amazon.com for my older son's thirtieth birthday this year, but you could probably get them at your local bookstore.  If not, just say positive affirmations, meditate on a bright future, and surround yourself with light.  This helps in many ways.
     Here are some possibilities.  Take long walks or rides.  Look at the sunset once in a while.  Do yoga.  Have people over for dinner.  Read and watch movies.  Go to bookstores and cafes, and make new friends if you can, but be careful who you select.
     If you have a house, and not a lot of money, you can do a house swap for a few months, perhaps even in a foreign country, which you need a passport for, and possibly a three to six month visa.  That can be expensive, and then there is air fare as well.
      You can improve your own surroundings, turn your bed around, paint, and liven up your own environment.  Try new foods, coffees, teas and wines.  If you drink white wine, try red.  If you drink vodka, try scotch.  If you always make coffee in a coffee maker, try instant.
     Truthfully, I never travel anymore, but I suppose I would if I had someone to travel with, or if I could see better, and if I had the money, but I have traveled in the past, quite a bit, when I was in my thirties, mostly.
     I think that if you are discontent, it could be a good thing, because being complacent for too long, can make life stagnate, like I feel I have been in a rut, but you need quiet times in life, if you want there to be any inner changes, giving up of any addictions or neurosis.  Frantic activity is not always the order of the day.
     Lastly, relax, breath.  Make something with your hands.  The picture shows dream catchers that I made.  Enjoy life!

Pragmatic Ways a Woman Could Keep the House in a Divorce; This is When a Mortgage is Involved

     The reason many divorcing couples with kids, unfortunately sell the house, is that there is usually a mortgage, which may already have another loan on it, which is what the case was with ours in 1995, when my husband and I split up.
     I lived in the house, a beautiful house which he built, for a year before we got divorced, and it sold.  I went to the divorce and house closing without him, because he had already moved to Colorado, two-thousand miles away.  His share of the money after mortgages were paid was sent to him fed ex, I believe.
     The problem is that when the husband moves out, and has to pay for another place, sometimes another family, as well as paying child support, and possibly alimony, he would have difficulty helping to pay the mortgage. 
     In my case, I had worked at home for quite a few years, as a receptionist in his business, plus I did taxes and bookkeeping, wrote payroll checks, taking out taxes from the charts, took care of household bills, as well as business bills, but I had no real job training.  I had had jobs in dress shops and singing, a little modeling, fashion show kind of things in a local dress shop, for the Women's Show.  I took care of kids, cleaned house, took the older one to activities like soccer and cub scouts, even was a den mother, and my husband den father for a while.
     What happened in my case, was that without a lot of earning ability, I felt I could not keep a double mortgaged house.  My husband had been extravagant, and while the mortgage all together was not huge, I still felt it was steep.
     But, if I had really set my mind to it, I have learned now, that women going through divorces, can get a special low mortgage with some banks.  Women have to start working, even with young kids.  This was when I became a substitute teacher, and then worked in a health food store, then went back to substitute teaching, an ideal job for a young mother, because of the hours.  Plus, I could not drive at night, and teachers go home before dark. 
     For me, going back to school at thirty-eight, was kind of a mistake, I think, six years later, because my department was too competitive, and I did well, but it ended up a waste of time, because I could not finish.  However, there is much financial aid for single mothers who want to go to school, but I advise against loans.
     Lastly, if you have no other choice than to buy a trailer like I did, to own a home, then make the best of it.  You can fix it up with paint, carpentry, gardening, lighting, etc..  You may not be keeping up with the Jones's, but it works, and all you have to pay is lot rent, and that is not too much.
     Still, I regret not trying harder to keep the house, but this is the typical scenario in many cases of divorce.  My story is a little tragic, but I am sure others have difficulties too.  The end.

Advice for Married Women With Children, Going Through a Divorce or Separation

     If you are a woman, and your husband is unfaithful, even once, it would be better to get out while you are still young, or before your self-esteem is destroyed.  People do not change.  It is not that you cannot forgive, just that it is not something that will go away, and most likely will happen again.
     If you have children, do not give up custody, fight for them, or you will regret it.  You may have split custody, but keep young children with you. 
     If there is property and a house, which you obtained together, then keep the house.  Get a lawyer, ask for alimony, child support and keep the house, even if you have to take in a renter.  I know it is hard, but you will regret it if you do not, because it is very hard for a single woman, unless rich, to buy or build a house these days.
     Do not get involved with any man in the first year.  You are lonely and vulnerable, and you will not make a good choice, and looking back, you will regret not waiting for the right person.  Men pray on recently divorced, beautiful, young women, especially with houses, like vultures.  You may be prey to an opportunistic predator.  That is what happened to me.  He will destroy your life bit by bit, and will make your husband look like a prince by comparison.  And, last but not least, if the new man disrespects you or your kids, even one bit, say "adios amigo."  Say, "hit the road Jack, and don't let the door hit you in the ass on your way out."  Tell your husband the same, the very first time he hits you or cheats on you.
     Not everyone has a very supportive family.  They may not give you good advice.  They will tell you for years to come that you were the one who wanted a divorce.  They do not know the inside story.  Only you know if you have been left, and only you know what happened behind closed doors.
     It is not fair that men live in luxury and wealth, while women and children live in poverty.  My own ex-husband lived in a huge house on a lake with his new wife and kids, while my kids had to grow up in a trailer.  It is not fair, but if you are not careful, this can happen.  Be careful.  Please be careful.  DO NOT WASTE TIME ON ANY MAN NOT WORTH IT!!!

Finding Your Own Dreams/ Making Them Real and How

     Truthfully, I do not like judgment of any kind, as to good or bad, what is okay and not.  This is only my own experience.  Sometimes, feelings of not being alive, feelings of apathy, whether or not a defense mechanism, can be self-made.  We may, for some reason or another, want to be alone.  Alone is not bad.  There is no judgment here.  I am merely saying that sometimes when I feel really closed in, suffocating, stifled, stagnating, a part of that is self-imposed.  I may for some reason need to protect myself from the outside world, and only fifty percent of my cloister may be caused by my circumstances.  Half of it may be caused by the way I have chosen to live.
     Chris Rock, the comedian, says in one of his stand ups, we have a video or DVD of, "you know how they have these crazy ads for drugs, like do you go to sleep at night and wake up in the morning?..." 
     Part of this is funny, and really funny, but partly I think, people do not want to wake up.  What I am saying is that life has become so hard for so many, that waking up is a challenge.  Going to sleep is easy, because it is an escape.  We have to sleep, for health, mental and physical.  It is a part of being a living thing, but it is the waking which is hard for us sometimes, and of course we do not want to wake up too early, which is what the ad probably really meant.
     One way of renewing a sense of self, is to throw out old stuff, including old behavior, old beliefs, old physical objects and possessions.  Throw out only what is no longer serving you, within and without.  Make goals, even if others would say they are unreachable.  Others may try to impose their own goals or agendas on you, and perhaps they are not being realistic, but only we can know what we can or cannot do.  So, make goals that you feel may be possible.  Do not tell others what your goals are, because they may discourage you or tell you it is not realistic.  Possible or not, the goals you aim for, are most likely, way more plausible than the ones that others, parents, peers, etc., put on you, because you and only you know what it is you truly want, and what is truly possible.  No one else knows, but you.
     So, if people tell you stupid ideas, just say, "that's interesting," but look forward to your own ideas, goals, and what you truly believe will make you happiest.  Hold tight to that, and forget the rest.  It may or may not come to be, but the closer you get to your own dreams, the better you will feel.  I have lived the dreams of others, have tried to believe the dreams of others, and it never works for me.  You have to find your own self, your own dreams, what you really, really want, and try to make that happen.  Do not say no, say how?  Namaste. 

Don't Beat Yourself Up Over Your Character Defects - Just Look at Them and Ask God Humbly, to Remove Them

     Some of us are very hard on ourselves, as well as hard on others.  Sometimes, there are those of us who do not want to be the way we are.  We do not want to hurt anyone.  We want to be loving and kind, not everyone does, but many of us really do.
      Some say family relations are hardest.  I think that is true.  The relationship of the adult child to parent is often a mixture of fondness, high regard, but also contempt and resentment.  Ultimately, we would ask ourselves to forgive them, to forgive everyone that has ever in our book, let us down. 
     Sometimes I am not that nice, and I regret that, but I know that if I look at myself and where I was coming from, there was a resentment, jealousy or fear.  All resentments are related to fear, fear of loss, loss of security, self-esteem, etc..  People are complex and in some ways not. 
     We sometimes are people pleasers, pushed around, do things we do not really want to, just to be agreeable, but the grudge we feel just festers in the situation, making one's own behavior less than desirable.  It is hard to put on a front, a happy face, all the time.  We get un-centered.  Words are unsettling.  We forget to say, 'what do you mean?'  We make too much of words, but we are caught off balance, lose our bearings.  This is what happens to me.  I do not know about you, but you probably understand.
     We cannot be perfect.  I cannot.  Maybe you can, and all I can do is try to do my best and stop beating myself up for not always pleasing everyone, for being a scared little girl deep down, who is afraid of insecurity, of loss of self respect, sense of self.  The best thing is to keep our head held high enough so that these little unsettling events do not turn us into a zombie for days.  I do not know if this makes sense or if it is just me, and perhaps I have mild mood swings, maybe intense, but I am sure I am not the only one.  We all have issues, and some are sicker than others. We do not have a gage to measure that, but our actions show the truth of it.
     Actions speak louder than words, but words are important too.  Sometimes a kind word can lift someone's spirits, or even lending an ear, not for gossip, but when someone has a problem.
     There is a Diana Ross song: Reach out and touch somebody's hand, make this world a better place if you can... take a little time out of your busy day, to help someone who's lost their way, would I be talking to a stone if I asked you to share a problem that's not your own?... when you meet an old friend on the street and he's down - you know his shoes could fit your feet... reach out and touch...  Most people don't have time anymore for anyone.  Make time.  Take time.  Make a difference for someone, anyone, a child, a teen, a tween, an old person, someone going through something, a blind person, a sick person - help somebody, or in the words of Bob Dylan, SERVE SOMEBODY!  Stop doing things for prestige and stature, just do it for the good of good itself.  Get out of self, not for more self gratifying achievement of holiness, but for the sake of love, for love's sake.
      I heard on the news tonight, they found the violin played by one of the musicians on the Titanic, who went down playing.  The band went down playing.  We should all go down playing.  Do not be afraid to die, just live.  I believe Gandhi said, 'learn like you will live forever, live like you will die tomorrow.'

'Charmed Life' Verses Acceptance; Why Life is Hard for Most and a Bit About Gratitude

     No matter how bad things are, they could be worse.  Usually.  Recently I watched a true story on Netflix about a girl who was severely abused by her foster parent in the fifties, with the help of the foster home provider's natural sons.  It disturbed me deeply.
      We cannot control the world, but perhaps we can control ourselves.  Honestly, I am a greatly flawed individual and I will be the first to admit that.  I have been called angry and bitter, and I will own that, although as they say, and I say this without losing sight of gratitude for the good in my life, someone may always have it worse, if not greatly worse.  People are crucified like Jesus Christ every day, from a country in Africa, where a child is raped, a family killed, to here in the states where a child is murdered, sold into human trafficking, a huge worldwide problem, to a child abused at home or in foster care, to an abused spouse.  People are crucified daily, and I mean literally, let alone the concentration camps sixty years ago or more, but all over the world.
     I am trying to make an amends to my readers, in a sense, for being selfish, self-centered, and self-serving, if you will.  I have gratitude for what I do have, and I want you to know that, rich or poor, sick or healthy, I really do.  Here is an example of a gratitude list:                                           1) food and shelter
                                                 2) health
                                                 3) being able to pay bills
                                                 4) friends and family
                                                 5) clothing
                                                 6) talents and abilities
       This is a good thing to do, very therapeutic, and suggested by sponsors in twelve step programs, before anything else sometimes, and more than once, from time to time, over the years.  It is part of emotional sobriety and having a daily reprieve, a program, something everyone should have, I think.  It is a time of meditation, reflection, prayer, and self-searching, knowing what we could have done better, and what we can change or cannot, as well as how we can make an amends for our wrong doings, quickly and promptly, step nine and ten, The Twelve Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous.

Most People Do Not Want Good Things For Others

     I have noticed in my life, that not everyone, but most people think that only they deserve good things.  Most people do not give a darn what happens to others.  They only care that they have what they want or need, or think they need.  Millionaires do not share. 
     I admit a rich, kind person did pay for funerals for soldiers who the military could not pay for the funerals for, due to the government shutdown, due to altruistic values.  That was good of them.  What is going on in this country is bad, and it is not really one sided.  I think they are all bad, Republicans, Democrats, I hate them all now.  Well, I do not hate them, but I think Obama acts more like it is parliament in a socialist country.  Who knows maybe his healthcare thing is okay, but it sure is unpopular, so maybe popular opinion is right.  I really do not know.
     We have survived a government shut down in Clinton days, and I love Clinton, so maybe it will be alright in the end.
     I just think that people are jealous and selfish, and even if they have everything, they do not want anyone to have anything.  The reason I have come to feel that Meher Baba and the center is phony, is because I grew up there, and now they want the house I grew up in, even though it is not theirs, but my mother does not care for me enough to fight them, or really try to help me.  She tried to fix me up with some jerk from California, so I would go live in California, and just not be here, so it won't matter when she dies and the center takes the home she and my father bought the land for, built and paid for, built and paid for the road, and paid taxes all the years.
     I hate the Meher Spiritual Center.  I really do.  It is not a spiritual center at all.  Not in my book.

The Thing I Want Most

     The thing I want most I cannot have, or so it seems.  It is not a person, an animal, a place, a trip, and it is not a concept.  It is bigger than a bread box.  It is not money.
     I cannot or will not tell, so I do not know why I am writing this.  I suppose, reading The Mrs. Dalloway Reader, about the writings and essays of Virginia Wolf, I am inspired, although not to walk into a river with stones in my pockets.
     After writing American Boys, an 'e' book, I suppose, so no one can steal my idea, my story, I realize how much I thought about my characters, my story, in depth, what they were about, and why, and even who they were based on, and what my class story is really about.  There, I said it, class, for one thing, hardship, compassion, love, war, politics, family, poverty, wealth.  No one in my story is bad.  Everyone is good, I suppose because at heart, I am good, you know?  I do not like books and movies about bad, yucky people.  I like the ABC television show Revenge, but I get sick of how bad the Grayson's are, and Emily, the star.  Sometimes, I downright cannot stand her.  Madeline Stowe, who plays Victoria is beautiful to watch, and I enjoyed Nolan, because he looks and acts like Alan did, my love who died.
     So, the thing I want most... I will never say.  I should say the thing I want back, something material, I once had, not a person.  Just forget it.  Hah.  I do not know why I wrote this particular blog.

Haunted

     I feel haunted by my past, old photos I can never unpack.  I have lived here for ten years, and even bought a washing machine, but I always feel a sense of temporary circumstances.  Part of me wants to stay in place, and part of me wants change.  It is a strange dilemma. 
     I have had so much loss over the years, made so many mistakes long ago, that I live with now, and I do not really know how to move forward sometimes, like I am so self-contained, and so sane, that I do not even know who I am any more.  Do I not need anyone truly?  I must.  I have to.
     Still, I long for something that I can make right.  The night surrounds me, but not with comfort or a caress, but a strange feeling of loss.  Can I right the wrongs?  No, I do not think so.  Can I be comfortable in my surroundings?  I suppose.  Can I be myself, and be okay with that?  I guess. 
     And, the night sky takes over me, holds me in its quietude, and yet I hear the sounds of sirens on the street, and sometimes my sons moving around.
     But, the pictures remained rapped in paper, in the closet, unable to hang on the walls, not enough space, and then what if I have to pack them up again?  Where do I go from this point, from A to B?  I do not know anymore.  It has been like this for years, twenty almost, of unrest.  I wonder sometimes if I am really not the living.  That is a laugh, like a horror flick.  I fear not living more than anything, I suppose.  It is not dying I fear, but not living.  And, I think, 'what now?'

There is No Way to Be Happy Unless We Stop Living Lies

      As long as we are in denial of truth, there can be no peace, no happiness.  Sometimes people try to use cunning and manipulation to lure us into more self-destruction.  They only darken our doorstep, until we have learned the lesson.  Insanity is repeating the same actions, expecting different results.  When we realize that what we are doing is not making us happy, it is time to stop.  It is like quitting a lousy, dead-end, going nowhere job.  We all have seen the writing on the wall, but we stayed, endured, but we were not happy.
     When you realize this to be true, it is time to take the power back.

Do Not Be Naive

     The world is full of darkness, selfishness, and ulterior motives.  There is really no such thing as a spiritual community.  Every church, for example is full of hypocrisy.  No board of anything is honest.
      The only thing that makes the world really go around is greed and money.  Evil is everywhere, where you would never expect it.  If you get swayed, hypnotized, conned, it is due to naivety.  Do not think the Meher Baba Center is free from this.  Watch your back, and do not trust the board of any project, whether it be a nonprofit organization, a church, a charity.  The world is full of falsehood, and motives are not pure.

Gossip is Poison/ No Intent to Help

     I recently made a blunder.  I blogged about a misfortune, but what I learned was that no one wanted to help me, that it only gave fuel to gossip.  Yes, people gossiped, and it got back to me, but no one offered to help me.  My bad.  I never should have aired anything about what was going on, on my blog, and especially should not have posted on facebook.
     People mean to be good and kind, but no one who spoke about my ordeal, ever offered to help in any way, while they called themselves a part of a spiritual community.  Only two people, other than my mother or sister, ever offered me help, out of the whole Baba community, other than my lawyer, and a girlfriend, who is a lawyer, and lives two-thousand miles from me.  One of those two people, was living in New York State at the time, not even here.  Well, that is just bull crap.  People are selfish, self-centered, self-serving m- f-ers!
     Just like some dumb church, people run their mouths about people with zero intention to ever help them in any way.  The more I know about this world, the less I like or wish to be a part of it.  People are two faced, back stabbing, hypocrites, who turn a blind eye on anyone in need, just like the bogus churches.  Next time you talk about someone else's misfortune, perhaps ask oneself, have I offered my assistance?  Have I gone to the source?  What is my reason for spreading this?  Are my intentions well meaning, or am I just looking for something to gab about, at another person's expense?  Most likely, this talk is to come of no good, and leads to nothing positive.  Unless you want to help someone, shut your mouth about it, and I will in the future refrain from talking about my personal life, even if it is a huge injustice.  There is no point in me telling about anything, if the reaction is hateful and lacking in any human kindness of any sort.  And where the hell is Meher Baba, the so called compassionate father, in all of that?

Benifits of Yoga

     There are many benefits in doing yoga.  Deep breathing and chakra meditation are helpful too.  Yoga helps you to relax, to sleep better, and keeps the body toned and in touch.
     There are things which can enhance your yoga practice, especially if doing at home.  One is a candle, then some incense.  I like to set an intent, a purpose, something to let go of.  I find that if I set an intention, such as letting go of guilt, for example, helps me to release that.
     When you meditate, see the colors of each chakra, as you go into alignment.  Do no harm.  Only do what your body is comfortable with, and rest in child's pose or relax, lying on your back, if you become tired.  Remember to breath.  Just breath through the nose, the entire time.
     You will sleep better, if at night, and you will have more energy to start the day, if in the morning.  Yoga can even make one euphoric at times.

Questions I Hate and Why I Hate Them

     Maybe I just have a complex, but there are questions I hate.  Why?  I hate these because I feel I am being singled out for these type of questions, because I am either visually impaired, not wealthy, or do not have a car, or maybe they just think I am weird.  Perhaps they think I am a loser or I just do not have a life.
     The first one is, "what do you do all day?"  This either implies I have no obvious purpose, I have a boring life, or I am a major loser.  The next one is, and mind you, not everyone asks these questions, I just hate it when they do: "where do you find the time to do all this...?," writing, sewing, crocheting, singing, or whatever they think I am able to do a lot of.  It seems ironic, considering the fact that they wonder what I do all day.  I have the same number of hours in a day as everyone else on this planet.
     Last, but not least, I hate to be asked, "what do you for fun?"  What do others do for fun?  What kind of fun?  What is fun?  Riding a roller coaster?  Going on a picnic?  Truthfully, I live my life, and some things are fun, and some more like work, but I do not go around thinking, 'gee what will I do for fun today?'  I just do not think that way, and anyway, I just think it is a rhetorical or odd question.  So, there you go, the questions I hate.
     So, do you want to know what I think would be better questions?  Do you want to know what I think would be better comments?  The other one is "how do you get around?"  Perhaps my life is not their business.  Could I be too guarded.  I think a good question is something that makes me feel like an equal, rather than a weird person.  For example: "are you seeing anyone?," or "what project are you working on?," or "what is life like as a visually impaired person in a town with no public transportation?," and/ or "are you close to your family?," and "I imagine you have friends." 
     Last but not least, they could say, "you do really well with your life," or "you must have some lasting connections, being from this town."

How to Know If the Relationship You Are in Is a Healthy One

     In the eighties there were relationship workshops in Los Angeles where I lived with my ex-husband.  One we did was 'Loving Relationships' based on Louise Haye's book.
     Now I have a theory that there are seven ways of knowing whether or not a relationship is a loving one or a healthy one.  I realize that there is probably some love in even a bad relationship, but it may not be enough to make the relationship stable.
     Here are questions one can ask oneself: 1) Do I truly feel comfortable in this relationship or do I feel like the other shoe is going to drop?  2) Am I stressed at work and screwing up at my responsibilities, such as driving my car or taking care of my child?   3) Do I truly trust this person with money, my life, my child, my dog...?  4) Do the requests of the person I am with make me uncomfortable in any way, such as financial, something involving physical or social intimacy, or wanting me to live somewhere that I do not want to?  5) Do I fight with this person a lot, or is our relationship loving a good bit of time?  6) Do I get a sense that my partner is interested or thinking about someone else?   And finally, 7) Am I taking more of my share of responsibility in terms of house work, money making, bill paying or is it fairly balanced, where if one person is doing one part, the other does the other part?
     If the answer was negative on four of these, you need to take another look at things, rethink, regroup, and maybe say goodbye.  If you answered positively to four out of seven, then you may just need to work on the other three.  If you answered negatively to most, then you should get out as fast as you can, and if you answered positively to most, consider your mate a keeper!  Do not despair if the results of these questions are bad, just realize that the sooner you face the truth, the better chance for a truly loving relationship.
     One more love tip: if you are torn between two lovers and cannot make up your mind, close your eyes.  The one who steps forward is the one, the one who appears first.  If someone completely different, like someone you do not even know yet, then it means that neither is the one, because someone else is coming your way, who you are going to be with.
     The Romanies had a wicca spell to see who to pick, but I am not much for white magic anymore, or psychics.  I think the answers are within ourselves.  Just keep doing yoga and meditation, and keep the chakras open and aligned.  The third eye knows the answer, for the sixth chakra, the third eye, is the chakra of illumination, enlightenment, knowledge and insight, beyond the sight of physical eyes.  The more my eye sight diminishes, the more sight I have from within.  Namaste.

Know You Are a Winner, Because You Are a Survivor; You Did That...

     Yes, what I want to say is what the title says.  You win, because you survived.  No matter how bad events in your life, it may not seem like it, but if you are a survivor, someone who really wants to live, to beat the odds, to make the most, then you are a winner.
     Some people might think I am a loser, because I am not rich or not married or the fact that I am legally blind, but they are wrong.  I am more because I am not rich, more because I do not need a man to define who I am, or validate me.  I am more because I have hardships to overcome.  I have brought up two sons on my own.  I have survived an atrocious relationships that never should have been.
     I have a choice today, whether to dwell on mistakes, or to go forward, and I choose the latter.  I choose life.  Life.  I choose life today and everyday.  I choose not to dwell on pain and suffering, not to dwell on disasters of the past, grief or loss.
     I am a winner, and you are probably a winner too.  You have survived, and that makes you a winner.  You have the scars to prove it, but like me, you watch them fade away.

The Danger of Staying in a Bad Relationship Too Long; Definition of Bad; Breaking the Chain of Codependence; Reinventing You

     Never be a door mat.  Never accept the unacceptable.  Never let someone disrespect you.  If you are married with kids and financial assets, it is harder to break away, although I had that and it broke apart.  However, I can understand wanting to stay with someone you truly built a life with, if you possibly can, but if that person is unfaithful, and forgiveness is something you cannot muster up, then maybe it is time to walk away.  It depends.
     After my marriage broke up, I was in my early thirties, and I had the world at my fingertips.  I just did not know it.  I was beautiful, talented, had a nice house, got a job, was a good mother, but I did not believe in myself as much as I should have, in retrospect.
     I still had my essence, but after my marriage ended, I got involved with the wrong guy, and stayed too long.  I finally lost me.  I found myself again, finally, but only when it was over.  I allowed myself to be downgraded and disrespected, even brow beaten.  I stopped believing in me.  I stopped loving me, because I believed the lies.  I was stupid. 
     After coming up through the wreckage of my life, I reinvented myself, and had to find my essence.  I am still getting it back, and I freed myself long ago.  The problem is, it is hard for the bitterness to go away.  No matter how much you pray, meditate, do yoga, learn a Course in Miracles, you cannot really outlive the jadedness, the disappointment in life. 
     So, now I know life is far from over, and I have by no means given up, although sometimes I think I should, I still have regrets, and I know that is not a good thing.  So, never stay in a bad relationship for years out of codependence, fear, loneliness, addiction to that person.  Find yourself.  Free yourself.  Love yourself.  If Jennifer Aniston, as beautiful as she is, could live without Brad Pitt, you can live without anyone.  That is how I feel.  Someone being good looking, sexy or having charisma, is not a reason to stay.  While others may adore him/ her, you know the real monster inside that person.  They do not.  If they had to live with them, then they would know.
     But, we have a choice.  We can be treated like crap or walk away.  I say walk away with your dignity in tact, before it is just too damned late.

What I May Have Done Different

     I do not have many regrets, and truthfully, everything is as it should be or it would not be so, I guess.  I have acceptance, because I have learned to accept things.
     Looking at the white and pink gladiolas in an orange retro vase, I think about all the times I have been wigging out in the past, or drinking too much, or being with the wrong person, or wasting money on the wrong things, I realize I am not sorry about any of that, and have little regrets, but I have a few.  I would love to stand before you, break into song brilliantly, singing, I Did it My Way, like Elvis, but I will spare you.
     However, I would change a few things.  I would have tried to keep my house, as long as I could, when my marriage broke up, and I would have kept my kids' lives steady that way.
     Even though I would still have run out of money, I could have found a way to be resourceful, maybe.
     I would not have gone back to school, for the second time, having already gone back to school at thirty.  I would not have gone back at forty.  I would have kept teaching, until they gave me a permanent job, because I was good at that.
     I should have just majored in art, because I found it easy, free flowing, the class most easy for me.  Music was too, but took a lot of practicing and playing piano was hard for me, because I did not have a piano for long, growing up.
     Yes, I would have just gotten a degree in art, studio art.  It would have been easy for me, rather than jumping around like a butterfly, that could not focus too well on any one thing for too long.  My grades were good.  I will say that.
     I wish I never went to England or India in '96, and I wish I had never been romantically involved with a man with a foreign accent, not because of anything against foreigners, just that the relationship was bad for me.
     Other than that I am glad about everything.  I do not think I turned down a great chance about anything.  I just wish I had done those things different.  That is all.  And, I know that I must accept it as it is.  I know that all too well, and it is okay, just that I wish it were the way I said, if I had a choice to change.  Of course we all know that is not possible, so qu'est sera, sera, I guess.

Why I Am No Longer a Chopra Fan in a Big Way

     I do not like to say anything negative about anyone, but truthfully those closest to me, know I backbite big time, sometimes, but not usually.
     I do not like to talk too badly about celebrities, and now that I am on twitter, and I have been a semi-public figure for a while now, since my blogs are popular on Google, including American Boys, and I have a Youtube channel with my music and talks, I am especially conscientious, but I have a bone to pick with Deepak Chopra PhD.
     I have been a big fan of Dr. Chopra, and have read many of his books, including Ultimate Prescription for Happiness, The Third Jesus, his book on child rearing, which was excellent, and inspired one of my first, if not first blog articles, and many others, as well as listening to him speak on videos on topics from gun violence not belonging in a civilized society to the meaning of life.
     Remember, I am a Reiki Master, so do not think I am closed minded when I say this, but Chopra's views on medicine, western medicine, I feel are elitist, untrue and misguided.  I will tell you why.
     When it comes to medicine, traditional medicine vs. alternative medical modalities, which my work falls into, poor people on Medicare and/ or Medicaid, as well as Social Security, SSI or both, retired or disabled, cannot afford fancy alternatives.  These health care programs do not pay for that stuff.
     Secondary, he says that people should address the cause for depression and anxiety, rather than take medication.  He claims they stop working, and the patient needs more, but that is a complete falsehood.  I know from experience of my own and others, that a person can take the same amount of medication for years and years, and never need more, perhaps may need less.  I agree that issues should be addressed, and counseling can help, as well as books, meditation, yoga, exercise, nutrition and self-help, in general, but to tell people who have biochemical diseases such as bipolar, depression or schizophrenia, an organic brain disease, that they do not need their medication, is not only ignorant, but utterly irresponsible.  If you ever had a family member with schizophrenia, you would surely know that.
     I would try to address Dr. Chopra, but he is too rich, powerful, and untouchable, and I think as unaware and disconnected as Mitt Romney, if not more so.  I am sorry, but I know why people have been telling me for years, that they do not care for Chopra.  That is why they call him Deep pockets Chopra, lol, just kidding, or not, as I say.

There are Many Types of People

     Some people always beat themselves up.  Some people always feel like victims, and some think the world revolves around them.
     "Knock knock."
     "Who's there?"
     "Nobody."
     That's our little Course in Miracles joke that a friend named Faye made up.  It's silly, but it always makes me laugh, especially when she says it.  The most freeing thing for me was realizing I was nobody.  I have been treated like a second class citizen a lot, so I should have known it for a long time.
     The thing is, not everything is about you, as I said before, or me.  Even the things in our own life we either feel guilty about or blame people about, are not necessarily about us.  I learned this lesson when I told someone close to me that I was sorry about something from long ago.  The thing I was sorry about was for the best for them, but with my egocentric thinking, I thought everything was about me and my own relationship to someone I love, but other people have other ways of seeing things. 
     We may feel like a failure as a parent, but perhaps it was not about us, but more about your child and their other parent, and so forth.  There are infinite variations of how this could be, infinite relationship situations.
      If you look at your own life, you may find examples of the same thing.
     But then again, there are many types of people.  There's a joke in twelve step programs, 'some are sicker than others.'

Intoduction to 'Sage Speaks of Life'

     This is a new blog I created, to talk about the radical ideas I believe.  Reader beware.  This blog is not for the faint of heart.
     Some of my views about where we really came from, and where we really go when we die, are not traditional to any religion.
     I do not apologize if my ideas are not in line with Meher Baba or Christianity.  I do not apologize either, if I sound like an atheist.  I believe in a Course in Miracles, in which God is everything, and this gives me faith and hope.
     I also believe in the higher self, the one we say Namaste to, 'my higher self gives salutations to yours.'  I believe in oneness, collective consciousness, and along the lines of the new humanity blog I also write, the belief system that a raising of consciousness to love and compassion, raises the consciousness collectively.
     Look back at how people were treated, certain groups of people, and how in some ways we have uplifted ourselves for the most part, with the exception of some crazy skin heads.  I believe this is due to the collective raising of consciousness. 
     I believe that consciousness is all that is, from the insect to the human being.  I believe that a fetus comes from nothing, and as it grows, there is consciousness, and as it grows extremities and fingers, even sucks its thumb, or if a twin, interacts, this consciousness gets higher, developing into a little human being.
     We all have a choice, love or not love.  Our entire life is a choice.  I think life means nothing, but one must live life as though it meant something, because even if we die and go back to nothing, what if there is a higher power to answer to?  What then?  What if there is a judgment day, where love and kindness vs. cruelty or stealing, and it makes a difference?  Hurting people hurt people, but mean people also hurt people, and I believe karma takes care of it all in the end.  You need do anything, but do your best and enjoy the show!