I went through a letter box of mine, trying to clear space in a metaphysical sense. There are some unnecessary things one hangs onto, but others that help make us who we are. I guess the thing is to let go of what is no longer serving your higher self at the time.
I found a beautiful card or two from my mother, sweet letters and cards from my kids and one from one son to another, too sweet to do anything besides cherish, of two boys, one small and one big, holding hands. It was to the older one from the younger. They must have been sixteen and the other turning twenty-three, a birthday card.
There were letters to and from myself and Baba Hari Daas, an enlightened Indian master in northern California. I found just some friendly letters from people I never got to know so well.
Most amusing were the romantic entanglement letters. Example: me: 'Perhaps you should be looking for another place to stay while I'm here doing this gig in California. Still, I am hoping we can go to Charleston and take your car, etc... Sorry to sound so businesslike.' This is not an exact quote of course.
Response: 'So, you just do whatever you want to assert your independence...?' At the time this may have partly been true, but it was my place after all. This was correspondence I did not keep, lifetime drama.
And then there was one from a guy I thought I really loved. Although the relationship was pretty toxic, the card was too sweet to throw away. I only say thought, because I am not sure what true love really is anymore. So often it is so unhealthy, and you think you are madly in love with someone, so much codependence, neediness, obsession, addiction, but seldom any real balance or anything truly functional. Still, you have to believe that something good came of it somehow. At least I do.
Funny how the years go by, the relationships with people we have had. I realize it is all attachment, but someday maybe I will write some memoirs and can use the past. My life has to come to some resolve before this can ever occur. People ask me sometimes if I will ever write a book about my life. I suppose that is my answer.
The good news is that I can even laugh at myself, my old self, even my new self sometimes. I am grateful for all of it, the bad as well I suppose. The important thing is knowing my kids loved me, and I guess still do, and even my mother loved me I guess, and maybe even still does.
In my experience of living in the south, you can have some really cold weather, below freezing. I have had some experience with freezing pipes in three different homes I have lived in. In a condo or large complex, there would usually have to be commercial technicians to thaw pipes. The biggest danger is the pipes bursting and this is expensive, and of course there is the risk of water damage.
Here are some tips. If you live in a beach house, older home or mobile home, possibly you may not have good insolation. A carpenter can add insolation under the sinks and also under your home in the crawl space. You can do this yourself if you know how and are handy.
There are many opinions, but even though leaving the water dripping is not foolproof, it does help. Both the hot and cold should drip, so that water is flowing through the pipes and not too cold to avoid freezing.
If however, the pipes still freeze, turn the heat up. You can run a space heater facing the pipes as long as it is not in a place it could fall in water and electrocute someone. If you run too many space heaters too high, the breaker switch may go off. Make sure the protector outlet switch stays on. I suggest either warming the frozen pipe with a hair dryer or a heating pad can be rapped around a pipe. Do not turn the heat down at night. Keep it the same as during the day.
When my son was in high school, he would get up during the night and turn the heat up to about 75%, as well as turning on the emergency heat. Never turn on the emergency heat. The only time this should be used is when the regular heat stops working altogether. The auxiliary heat will switch on automatically. There is also no point putting the heat higher than 72, because unless your home is very well insulated, it will not be able to get that warm in very cold weather.
Check the heat pump for a clogged drain pipe, and always make sure it is not covered with ice or snow. If it gets iced up, you will have to use the emergency heat, because it will not be able to heat the air from outside. And of course as the same in hot weather, keep the filters clean. This is important to avoid any type of mold and allergens in the air as well as anything air born, which can cause disease.
If you have storm windows, this is a good thing. Plastic can help as well, especially if you have a porch, but drapes are helpful too. I hope you enjoyed this winter maintenance blog. You can also follow me on twitter, Google and Youtube.
Some of us, but few, are lucky enough to become wise young. Others, like me, take years to grow up, and really snap out to ourselves. Although I have not been involved with anyone since my love, Alan, died, I have some 'sage' advice about relationships from experience.
Usually, the longer a relationship in time, the more impressions and karma with that person, and the more likely is marriage and children involved. These are the important relationships, and not necessarily are there children or legal marriage, but I think that the longer the time, the stronger the entanglement, and the harder to escape if that is what you want or need to do.
I do not want anyone ever to think that I am down on relationships. I am not jaded or anything of the sort. I love love as much as anyone. However, I have suggestions from what I have learned.
If someone leaves you, do not take them back, especially if they left you for another. No matter how they plead, just say no. They will only leave again, and are rebounding back to you, which is very disrespectful.
Rebounding is not always bad. For example, if you are in an abusive relationship, and you have to get away to save yourself, it does not matter who or what it takes to stay away. If you fall into someone's arms, perhaps it is a good thing. Do not let guilt from religious upbringing dictate your happiness. Do not judge yourself. Do not let others judge you. Of course honesty is important, and so is integrity, but when someone abuses you, and you have told them it is over, then you are free to do what you want.
The other thing is, do not answer the phone, unless you are truly and mindfully prepared to talk. This will only knock you off ground and off center. Do not answer the phone. Use caller ID, an answering machine, voice mail, whatever you have, but do not let this familiar voice try to persuade you back into something that is not healthy for you.
Stop worrying what this person thinks of you. The stronger you are, and the less you care, the more they want you anyway, so stop caring what they think of you.
Lastly, just try thinking about yourself for awhile, whether you take a vacation or just spend some time doing something just for you, this will help to realign your thinking. Do not dwell on the relationship, the person you broke up with. Focus on yourself, give yourself permission, respect your space, and move on. In the end you will find yourself saved and refreshed for a more beneficial hour. Give yourself time to grieve, whatever it is you need, and when you have let go of this baggage, you will find yourself refreshed and anew, ready to love again if that is what you want. The more you are ready to be alone, the more you are ready for new and lasting love. The most important relationship is the one with yourself and learning to love yourself. All else can only follow this important premise.
I admit it is ironic, since I do not have a real job, that I am talking about being a success, although I have had real jobs in the past. There is a tongue in cheek book called Seventy-Seven Practices of Unsuccessful People, in mockery of the book about seven practices of successful people.
Successful or not, I do know a few basic things, which are rather general in nature, so hopefully I will not seem too overconfident in presenting them. Still, I have made two albums, music albums, written a full novel, a novella and have had a few successes in the past, so I am not a total burnout deadbeat, lol.
First of all, did you know that sugar actually helps your concentration? Even diabetics need some sugar. My mother is very anti-sugar, and I realize that sugar can be gotten from carbohydrates, etc., but there is nothing like a really sugary coffee. When I was pregnant, I was given a glucose tolerance test, and I never felt better in my life.
I suppose this is why women with PMS syndrome crave sugar, even though it is not the best thing for it. I suppose eating sensibly and enough calories is important.
Well, as for will power, what I really mean is the ability to discipline oneself, not necessarily the kind that can keep you on your diet, get you off drinking or drugs or cigarettes. What I mean is, if you are working on a project, it can be difficult to stay focused.
One good thing to do is to keep your office area very neat and clear and well organized. When you make a list, for instance, and one thing is to write thank you notes, if you do not already have the notes, that should proceed the writing of notes on the list.
Recently I did a series of chakra meditation videos for my Youtube channel. I did not want to quit for more than a day or two, before getting through all seven chakras. My reasoning was that I needed to keep up the momentum of my project. I realize I am not the first at all, to do this particular project, but I did not know that until mine were published.
The last thing I want to cover or touch on, is burnout. Burnout in all areas is a problem. We get shopping burnout, decision burnout, caregiving burnout, etc.. When we have shopping decision burnout, that is when we are bombarded with ads, and often make the wrong decision of buying beyond our means or choosing the wrong thing. I guess this is where taking a break can be helpful, although not always possible. I think the sugar can help, but it can become another addiction along with everything else. The best thing is just to take some time for rest and relaxation.
So, that is about all I have to say on the subject of will power. I hate to talk about organization with the way my house looked in my most recent Facebook picture. I need to find someone to take some outdoor pictures with. It is not easy to keep a small house neat all the time, especially when you live with other family members like I do. Still, when it comes to filing paid bills, mail, etc., that is a good way to keep the paper clutter down. I realize many people are doing everything online these days, but I am just not one of those people. It is a little frustrating when you are very neat and organized as you have to be when visually impaired, and others will not keep their areas organized and neat as well due to busy schedules. This is where I have to try not to be a control freak.
I hope you join my blog. This was the third blog I created, and it does not have any followers yet. I guess 'The New Humanity' is the most popular, then 'Sage Words,' and now there is this one. Thanks for reading as always.
The definition of disingenuous is not genuine, insincere, dishonest as to what one says and does, not really meaning what one says in regards to others and how one really feels. This is in my own words, rather than Webster's.
One of my pet peeves is when people are disingenuous. An example would be someone saying, "call me any time day or night," and then you go through the worst time of your life, call them once, and they never even bother to call you back, even when you sent them an email to tell them in a nice way they did not call you back.
If you call someone and they never return your call, calling again is like stalking unless they are a business or doctor's office, and your life depends on it. In that case, by all means, call away.
The important thing to know is that it does not matter. People who are disingenuous have no business in your life. In fact the sooner you know this, the better, because the sooner they will be out of your life. Life is too short to waste time on people who are selfish, self-centered and self-serving. We all have spent time (some more than others), dealing with mean people, and have lived to regret it. As soon as you realize that someone is insincere in the least, it is time to walk away and forget about it. That person is not a friend in any way, shape or form.
I have friends that I have had for many years, some of whom, I have had quarrels with, drunken misspoken words, yelling matches, and more, but we are still close, close friends, because the relationship is not disingenuous, fake and bullshit.
Another thing is if someone does not respect your religious or political beliefs unless you share theirs, that is another reason to clean house of them. Love and respect go hand in hand, and one cannot be sustained without the other, like oxygen and carbon dioxide or hydrogen and oxygen, day and night, flowers and earth, moon and stars, and many more analogies and metaphors.
So, if someone or something hurts your feelings, ignore him or her. If something or someone on Facebook is hurtful or makes you feel less than, like your friend has ten-million 'likes' on their picture, and you have ten, then just don't look at them anymore. Take them off your news feed or block them if you want. People take Facebook way too seriously anyway, which leads me to the next thing I want to cover.
Relationships formed on Facebook are usually very superficial, so even if you are somewhat isolated like me, do not take much credence in any of that. Be careful who you give your phone number to, and especially be careful about your address.
Basically, anything that makes you sad or mad, can just be ignored, and you will be just fine. That is how I deal with things. It is like switching channels on the television with the remote control. Do not stay anywhere that makes you feel bad in any way whatsoever.
I am trying to be more mindful about my eating habits, chewing more slowly, being more selective, and taking more time preparing food.
Like colors, music and everything else, I think the body has a way of telling you what you need to be healthy. The key is paying attention. I suppose this is true about everything.
I like kefir better than yogurt, because it is 99% lactose free, and is loaded with healthy probiotics. It is cheaper than probiotics, but more expensive than yogurt, and better for the lactose intolerant.
I also like antioxidant full fruit juices like pomegranate and blueberry juice. Smoothies make you feel so great. They can be incredibly refreshing. I stayed with a lady in Charleston, who made lots of smoothies. I felt like I was at a health spa, not to mention she had a pool. This was a couple of summers ago, but if you have a blender, there are so many smoothies you can make, chocolate and coffee, green vegetables, blue green algae. Whatever you want, and they are colorful too, with no additives.
A friend gave me a gigantic papaya, which is good for the stomach and digestion. I hate the look of the seeds though, so I get rid of those immediately. I suppose they look like caviar, but not in a good way. Just a little humor.
Alfalfa sprouts are always a favorite for me, although I could not live on them. I like them with cheese, tomato and avocado on a sandwich.
I will be drinking lots of kefir and smoothies this summer, with the occasional ice coffee. Coffee does have antioxidants like chocolate, so it is not all bad. It stimulates the lungs as well, and is good for asthma.
I think the body has a way of telling you what is good for you, but sometimes a kinesiologist can help figure out what you need, if it is covered by your insurance. I am a realist.
I am a strong believer in omega fatty acids, calcium, magnesium and zinc and for those with retinitis pigmentosa, vitamin A palmitate, no vitamin E, and no MSG. Otherwise, if you do not suffer from RP like me and many of my new support group friends, vitamin E is probably good for you. You can still put it on your skin either way. I know it helps the skin to heal. I am also an avid believer in B-complex. Folic acid, pantothenic acid, niacin and other B vitamins are necessary for hair growth, skin, nervous system, and stress. Pregnant women are much in need of these, especially the folic acid, which can be obtained in orange juice.
Cooking is easier in summer, because you can eat more raw food, and cook less soups, but there are really good cold soups too.
Protein is something vegetarians and meat eaters do not always agree on. I think protein is good for keeping good muscle tone. You know how if you lose too much weight, you lose muscle mass, so if you want to build up, and are into working out, protein can be obtained from meat, fish, poultry, legumes, tofu, dairy if it sits okay with you, and soy, which is what tofu is from.
Mostly, it is good to eat mindfully. I prefer free range eggs and chicken. I am gluten and dairy free mostly, but I do eat some rye bread, and I have a little bit of half & half in my coffee, as well as occasional cheese and yogurt. I prefer soy milk.
I think whatever you feel good eating is what is good for you, but you really need five servings of fruits and vegetables per day.
A while back, I wrote a blog called, 'Haunted.' It was about my procrastination in cleaning out my closet, because of all the memories and pictures, etc., but finally I did, and now I wonder why it took me ten years to finally do this. So many things have happened to me. There were the recovery from hard times period, the wild partying period, the boyfriends period, the sobriety period, the commission for the blind period, the engagement period, the shopping period, the severe poverty period, but all in all, it has been a little bleak, not to mention Alan getting sick and dying so suddenly. Oh, and getting David through high school, and then there is Ted.
So, now things have really slowed down. Lately, I feel like something about me screams loser, but this may just be my imagination. I might only be mildly talented, not sure.
As I went through papers and things, throwing away most of it, because I could barely read it, I began wondering when I am going to have to hire someone to help with paper work. I am not quite there yet. Speaking of RP, a woman in my support group had both her kids diagnosed the same day like mine. I cried tears of sorrow for her, which is weird because I got jealous of a guy on Christmas Eve, because he said, "thank God," his kids didn't have it. I had to go back and apologize for saying it was not fair to thank God, because it made it sound like those not as fortunate are not blessed. I mean, no one made me, I wanted to apologize, because I realized how messed up I acted about it. Jealousy truly is evil sometimes, even though it is normal. It is good to be happy for others.
So, back to going through stuff, there was my love letter box. Some of my ex-boyfriends' letters were incredibly long. I had to throw some of them away, but there were some sweet words too. One went, "Dear Leslie,
I am staying with a woman, but you don't have to be
jealous, because she weighs about..."
One letter from me, a typed email, went like this sort of:
"Dear ___"
I really think you should reconsider the way you are acting
towards___..., he has been very generous, etc... I am not sure
how I stand on things right now..."
Letter back goes, "So is this before or after you___???, etc..."
So, finally the task is complete. I am awake way too early today, due to an errand that was pressing on my mind until it was done. I cannot think straight until afternoon. It is sort of like a permanent hangover, only minus the drinking. 'Wake up, self... Darn you...'
Hope this blog is not too flippant, but I am never going to fit in with the world anyway, so I need to stop worrying about it. People never forgive you for things, even things that happened twenty years ago, that did not even concern them. They put you in a little box, but it is not our business what others think. No need to rent space, and all that good stuff.
If you subscribe to Kripalu Magazine like I do, you can check out the yoga clothing, although I cannot read the print. I still like looking at the pictures. They do have magazines on talking books, but I never ordered any from the state library, because I cannot imagine reading an entire magazine, back to back, every article. Men sometimes say they only get Playboy for the articles, but the only men who are being truthful, are blind men. Seriously.
Anyhoo, when it comes to yoga clothing, I think if you teach yoga, I can see spending money on really great yoga clothes, such as Beyond Yoga and PrAna, but if you are just taking a class or doing it at home, I think yoga pants and tops from Walmart or Target are good enough.
The summer before last, I went to Charleston with a girlfriend, to visit one of my friends from the school for the blind, and we stayed with a lady who is a doctor. I never get up early, but I agreed to get up early to go to yoga with her. She had beautiful yoga pants, which she said she bought online for about sixty dollars. I coveted them. They were the kind with slits in the back, and really quick drying, wicking material, easy care, pretty, etc..
I ended up finding a pair of teal green ones for a little over thirty online, from Beyond Yoga. They were the only slightly expensive yoga pants I have bought. Now I am longing for a pair of straight ones in orange, but I am being good and patient. It has been a year and a half, but I suppose that since I am not going to classes right now, and did not get my teaching certification, I can just do yoga in anything that stretches. I even do yoga in my jeans sometimes, the ones with stretch in them, but I prefer to wear yoga pants.
I think just regular tanks and teas, both long and short sleeved are good enough. I do not find shelf bras comfortable. For men who might be reading this, that is a built in bra, which many yoga shirts have. I have two like that, both from J.C. Penney's, one purple and one gray and pink, with matching pants.
I like the kind of yoga pants that fold over at the waste, and I kind of prefer the shorter ones, because I am 5'3", so I have actually had to hem yoga pants. I can sew with an eyeless needle, stuck in a cork, a trick I learned in Columbia, at the commission.
Speaking of Columbia, I took a wonderful ashtanga yoga class there, advanced, at City Yoga in the university area. It was an intense time, and I ended up crying during shavasana every time, which is actually a good thing, a release of all that is no longer serving one, or what Eckhart Tolle calls our 'pain body.'
The instructor had gorgeous yoga attire, the best I had ever seen. They also sold yoga clothes, which I looked at longingly, while waiting for my ride. They had royal blue, cotton pants and absolutely gorgeous tops.
About five years ago, I went up to Calabash, North Carolina, to a consignment shop, where we found a gray and red yoga outfit, that one of my girlfriends got me as a birthday present. We were celebrating my birthday. That was a really cute one, too, and not too expensive, being at a consignment store, another option for finding great yoga clothes. I do not suggest Goodwill for yoga clothes. I haven't seen any good ones, and I prefer not to have someone else's energy on my yoga clothes. They tend to be more personal, since you sweat on them, etc..
Well, that is enough about yoga clothes for today, I suppose. Next time, perhaps, I could discuss yoga mats, blocks, bolsters, Mexican blankets, straps and other props, not to mention yoga carrying bags that you sling over your shoulder.
Eckhart Tolle says that when we do not like someone, it is our ego struggling for survival. Of course, that is what the ego does. We take others' inventory. We may be right, and yet, only the ego is what is threatened.
Still, I see a lot around me that makes no sense. I see people clamoring for spiritual success and prestige in the eyes of their peers in their insular community. I see so much of this in the Meher Baba world. It is strange. They line up to embrace someone, just because they met Meher Baba, but not the people who met Meher Baba, the ones who they approve of. I see so much unpalatable behavior around the Meher Center, that I find it utterly shocking and disappointing. I wonder how they can be this stupid, this insane, this ridiculous.
I realize that my ego is judging all of this, but I know deep down that this is all sick. It is all so strange to me. I see the egos of others, so desperate to defend their important stature, perceived by self or others. I see them play into the game. I observe, and it sickens me, literally.
I see the hypocrisy, the lack of morals and ethics, the lack of compassion or insight. There is no one in that entire community that I could reach out to, that would understand anything I am saying, because they are so caught in the 'bull shit.'
Again, I know this is ego, which makes me perceive this way, and yet it is so dark and false, that it saddens me. I wish one person could see the insanity. It would give me some hope about it, some ease to the horror of it, but I see people who are supposedly intelligent, playing into these silly things, these games.
I realize there is nothing I can do about it, and I have to just let go of it, and just walk away from it. I need to let go. I have no power, and I do feel a sense of separation, but in a good way. There are so many agendas going on, that it baffles me, and not one bit of it is honest or sincere. If it is, it is very naïve.
When Margie entered the bar in her low cut red dress on Christmas Eve, the men smirked. They knew her. Laughter even erupted a bit as she walked gracefully across the room, her wild red brown hair framing her heart shaped face, eyes done up.
"Who wants to buy her a drink this time?," Benny cried out, and everyone laughed loudly, raising their glasses.
She sat down on a bar stool next to Johnny. He looked over at her. He was the nice one, of them all.
"Hey Johnny," she gushed.
Johnny hugged her around her shoulders. He had tied on a few already. He had been sitting at the bar since 1:00 that afternoon, drinking gin and tonics. It was six o'clock now.
"What are you drinking, Margie? Merlot, as usual," he asked her.
She nodded as he lit her cigarette.
She blew out the smoke into the misty blue air. "Yeah, that'd be great."
Rudy came over. He was a regular, an Italian guy, who did construction for a living. He had liked Margie in a romantic way when she first started coming, but when he saw how pathetic she was, he just began to pity her somehow. Everyone did, and yet some would say she was a person who just used everybody to buy her a drink, to flatter her, whatever it was she needed at the time.
"Hey, Margie, why aren't you home with your kids?," he asked. She had two teenagers.
"They're probably partying right now as we speak." She took another drag on her smoke. Truthfully, although that was usually the case, tonight she had promised to watch It's a Wonderful Life, their usual Christmas tradition, but somehow drinking had become her way of life, and the bar had become her haven, rather than home. She did not know why. She just felt alone sometimes with no man in her life, when the kids were partying with their friends, and she was by herself.
She had had men in her life, but they were always abusive in one way or the other. They either hit her, stole money from her, had a drug problem, or cheated on her. One was just completely berating and psychologically abusive. She was tired of it all. It seemed like this bar, The Oasis, was her only refuge these days. She did love her kids, and she would die for them. At forty-four she still wanted something. She just did not know what it was.
"You should go home, Margie," the very sober Rudy muttered.
"Oh, go sit down," Jamie, the bartender, told him. He did not want Rudy and Johnny getting into it, which they did from time to time. Rudy had a way of trying to tell everyone what to do, and how to live their life. Jamie knew that although Rudy could handle his liquor, never even got drunk, he could be a handful.
He did, and Margie continued to talk and laugh with Johnny.
People did not know what to make of Margie. She lived in her hometown, but the people who knew her longest even, did not know what to make of her. Some pitied her. Some loathed her. Some loved her out of some sort of noble idealism, but no one truly knew her or even took the time to.
To some she was a gypsy, even though she had lived in the same place longer than anyone else. To some she was a witch or a sorceress, a wiccan with her Stevie Nicks style clothing. To some she was a new age hippie free spirit, who had no rules in life, and therefore she threatened society, their view of it. The truth was she did have rules, she just did not play by their rules. That was the distinction they did not understand. She was a good person in many ways, but she was constantly judged as not a good person by her community, because few would take the time to really know her, as though she were beneath them all somehow.
She was not attracted to Johnny, but he was a friend, or a least she thought so. She was joking about going to a strip bar with him. She really had no intention, but she joked about it, and he did too. Where else could they go when the bar closed? She certainly was not going to go home with him or vice versa. She just did not see him that way. She truthfully, never really picked men up, anyway. He would have to be a serious boyfriend to even come to her home, and meet her kids, except that one cute young guy she met at her friend's party. She literally had walked into her house that night, holding his hand, saying to her teenage son, "this is my boyfriend, Brendon," like they were in a committed relationship already. It was really quite comical. Still, even then, she had gotten her wits about her and sent him on his way. Not to mention, she was a bit messed up and paranoid that night. That was not like her at all.
The bar closed. "Look, I'm going home to my kids," she slurred. Johnny lit her cigarette. They stood outside the bar.
"Oh, come on Margie. It'll be fun."
"No," she said, and stomped out her cigarette with her high heel boot. "Here's my cab. Merry Christmas, Johnny."
"Merry Christmas," he drawled as he watched her close the door and ride away in the passenger seat of her cab.
When she walked in her front door, the kids were still up watching television. "Hey, let's have some coco and watch It's a Wonderful Life," she said, throwing down her red woolen wrap.
Relieved to be home, safe and sound, she threw down her purse and kicked off her boots, while the kids got out the movie.
"I'm glad you didn't forget, Mom," Daniel, her younger son said. She smiled at him, still a bit tipsy, but glad she made the right choice. She put the water on to boil in the kettle. The Christmas tree lights sparkled, and everything was alright in the world for now, she thought. It was alright for now, and now was all there was.
The End
Author's note: I originally had a tragic ending, where she decides to drive drunk with Johnny in the car. She had decided to go home, but he came and got in the car anyway. I guess each moment is a chance to do the right thing. I guess I rewrote my own story in a way, but gave it another chance for her to do the right thing, but of course I have many times done the right thing. I have been watching lots of dark films with strange endings that make you wonder. I just did not want to depress everyone on Christmas. I did not want to depress my readers. Life can be hard enough for many of us. I hope you liked my story anyway, even if it was a bit unusual.
In my last blog, I talked about change and moving on. I am a strong believer in this. For years I have studied the I Ching, also known as 'the book of change.' In Chinese philosophy and other philosophies as well, even Christian, change is always going to be the state of the world, life, existence.
As much as one may want to resist change, that will only exist one, because change is inevitable, in one way or another.
Recently, I have changed my life in many ways, not all by my own choice exactly, but fully knowing what was best for my soul. I cannot be anyone I am not. I have been there, done that, in relationships in the past, and the definition of insanity is repeating the same mistakes over and over, expecting different results.
I would never ever try to be anything or anyone I am not. At one time, I would. I was sort of born in the wrong time, wrong place, wrong family, wrong everything. Many people feel this way, and so we seek out wrong everything and everyone, because we think we do not deserve better than always being second best, second fiddle, and less than all the time.
Those of us, who are not from loving homes, seek people out, subconsciously, because we do not feel we deserve any better than this. This is very sad, because every person is a beautiful child of God. They just do not know it.
Our society and culture preaches and teaches, 'specialness,' something obsolete in its falsehood. A Course in Miracles explains this well.
There was a time in my youth, no matter how gorgeous, intelligent, and talented I was, I would feel less than a man, and feel lucky to have him at all, because I was never taught in any way, to love or value myself.
Things have not changed, in terms of sexism. As many videos I have produced for my Youtube channel, the only one that got many, many hits, was the one interviewing my brother. Why? It is simple. He is male. I am female. Females will always be less than males in the world's view. We have an African American president, but will we ever really have a woman president or even vice president?
Stop being who your parental figures in your head want, or a stupid spouse wants. Be who you truly, truly are, a beautiful child of God. They cannot touch that, no matter how hard they try.
Many, many people come from far from perfect upbringings and parenting. From the reviews on Amazon.com, Toxic Parenting is a helpful book for many. This is an example of how so many people have barely been able to overcome their difficulties, much of which was caused by a lack of enlightened or loving parenting.
From the time we are born, our nerve synapses are taking in information, learning, experiencing, intuition, call and response. It is the age old topic of 'nature vs. nurture,' how identical twins raised in different surrounding, if given up for adoption, can be so different, even the same exact DNA, if identical. You know how, on crime shows, the perfect murder is sometimes committed by the evil twin. If there is no way of proving who's DNA, than how do we know?
I am not hear to vent or to talk about my own life, or whatever may be or could have been. Still, some people, given what they are given or not given, are almost doomed from the start. I consider myself one such person. Yes, I know I am very semi-successful in certain circles, but if you look at my life as a whole, you would see that in many ways I have failed to achieve the things I set out to.
I realize that I am not unique in this way. Still, as a mother, I know what being a mother is about. You know how Obama said, "anyone can be a father, but it takes more to be a dad." He is right about that, and that includes being a mom.
Many women in our society have had to let the father have custody for a period of time, and that does not make you a bad mother, not in my book. It is not about us, the mother. It is about the child.
Their are two kinds of mothers that are dysfunctional, the collapsed mother and the child mother, who is such a child herself, that she cannot be an adult. Some mothers grow out of this, while others never can, and remain adult children all their lives. who cannot comprehend, nor value the feelings of their children or even grandchildren. I do not want to get all pop-psychology, but these mothers are usually narcissistic, and this may not be entirely their fault, because the legacy of bad parenting may not have started with them.
In the book, Women Who Run With the Wolves, Pinkola, PhD., talks about how women who are not properly mothered, can heal through relationships with other women, as well as older women, who may be mentors to them, as well as friends. It is very important that women bond with women of all ages, young and old.
Now to talk about my topic, I guess to heal the heart, one needs to forgive, all the while, still protecting oneself through healthy boundaries with the people who have hurt us consistently.
If we forgive and move on, we can find a place in our hearts that is open to love and feel compassion for others. People would be amazed how many people on this planet are psychopaths, meaning they cannot feel empathy. But, you know if you are not a psychopath, what it is to have a truly compassionate open heart, and that is all that counts.
Although, one can never truly overcome hardships of their past, pain of it, we can overcome the anger, the holding on. We can love ourselves, even if that is not how we were raised. We have to learn sometimes, but if we want to have healthy relationships ever, with others, we need to love ourselves, and even forgive our parents, especially mothers, who we craved nurturing from the most I think.
The biggest thing is that you survived, you, you made it. You have feeling for others. You can be a good parent. You can overcome a legacy of pain, and you can break a cycle of dysfunction.
Recently, I have been really interested in the best colors for the bedroom, Feng Shui style. According to blogs I have read, the combination of warm, earthy brown and robin's egg blue are most effective. White is also a good color, especially combined with brown. However, for children's bedrooms, brown is not recommended.
Brown is also good in kitchens, and speaking of kitchens, I was at my sister and brother in law's for dinner, and their home belongs in a magazine, so country, so southern, so rustic.
I watched her make a large chicken. Once the giblets were out and on the baking pan, chicken seasoned liberally, vegetable strewn about for roasting, I observed her stuff rosemary, straight from the garden, right into the chicken, as well as a whole lemon, cut in half.
The result was amazing, tender, earthy.
So, on to bedrooms, I will say that high thread count sheets are better, in my opinion, than microfiber. Although they have thread count up to one-thousand, I find that four-hundred is great, and cheaper, but sometimes, one-hundred, eighty can be enough.
If you have shopped for a throw this year, you may have found Sherpa, which is fake sheep's wool. You know, the wooly stuff, with a velvety exterior. It is warm, lovely, and if the package says hypoallergenic, the more reason to buy it.
Jackets are also made of Sherpa, and they are especially worth buying for warmth. I happen to like Dickie's brand of jeans, kakis, and general work apparel, tee's, etc..
I hope you find this blog helpful, for shopping and household.
Much can be said about coffee, and much can be said about the lack of coffee. Mainly, many people, such as myself, drink coffee, especially one cup in the morning.
I learned in school that coffee originated in Arabia, and that the cows were eating the beans and getting hyper. It is hard for me to imagine a hyper cow, all jacked up on caffeine, but they say that that was how they figured out that it was edible, but that it would give you a jolt of energy.
Edgar Casey, the renowned psychic from Virginia, who died years ago, said that coffee was good for you, as long as you drank it black.
Over the years, especially back in the eighties, when I was young, I have met many people who thought coffee was really bad, like a drug, and that included my ex-husband, so we did not drink coffee until I changed that rule. In California, I used to sneak out for a cappuccino, because my ex forbade me to drink coffee. I was tired, because I had a toddler, worked, and life in Los Angeles can make you feel lousy, especially when the smog was bad, back in those days.
After a life of making drip coffee, making coffee in a French press, etc., I started drinking instant when I went to stay at a friend's house, who does not drink or keep coffee around. I found that I like Nescafe.
Although coffee is definitely common in Europe, if you go to India or South America, they just have Nescafe, and coffee drinking is less common.
Of course, at five star hotels anywhere, you can get any coffee you want, but not in general, such as people's homes and restaurants.
Some yoga retreats did not used to have coffee on the menu, such as Kripalu in the Berkshires. My yoga teacher studied there, and said that if you got a headache, they had a secret stash.
Well, enough said about coffee for today.
I know that everyone, or many people, are online mostly these days, but I have suggestions on creating a more miraculous life in many areas. The possibilities are wide, but it seems sometimes like the walls of life can be closing in. At least for me sometimes, it is like that.
Most people have more mobility than I do, so some of these things may be easier for you than for me. Also, if you have money, you have more options, but do not lose heart, if like me, you do not have money. I just am not bourgeois. I guess I would be if I could be, but it does not seem to be me karma now.
Get Marianne Williamson's meditation CD's, Meditations for a Miraculous Life. I purchased them on Amazon.com for my older son's thirtieth birthday this year, but you could probably get them at your local bookstore. If not, just say positive affirmations, meditate on a bright future, and surround yourself with light. This helps in many ways.
Here are some possibilities. Take long walks or rides. Look at the sunset once in a while. Do yoga. Have people over for dinner. Read and watch movies. Go to bookstores and cafes, and make new friends if you can, but be careful who you select.
If you have a house, and not a lot of money, you can do a house swap for a few months, perhaps even in a foreign country, which you need a passport for, and possibly a three to six month visa. That can be expensive, and then there is air fare as well.
You can improve your own surroundings, turn your bed around, paint, and liven up your own environment. Try new foods, coffees, teas and wines. If you drink white wine, try red. If you drink vodka, try scotch. If you always make coffee in a coffee maker, try instant.
Truthfully, I never travel anymore, but I suppose I would if I had someone to travel with, or if I could see better, and if I had the money, but I have traveled in the past, quite a bit, when I was in my thirties, mostly.
I think that if you are discontent, it could be a good thing, because being complacent for too long, can make life stagnate, like I feel I have been in a rut, but you need quiet times in life, if you want there to be any inner changes, giving up of any addictions or neurosis. Frantic activity is not always the order of the day.
Lastly, relax, breath. Make something with your hands. The picture shows dream catchers that I made. Enjoy life!
The reason many divorcing couples with kids, unfortunately sell the house, is that there is usually a mortgage, which may already have another loan on it, which is what the case was with ours in 1995, when my husband and I split up.
I lived in the house, a beautiful house which he built, for a year before we got divorced, and it sold. I went to the divorce and house closing without him, because he had already moved to Colorado, two-thousand miles away. His share of the money after mortgages were paid was sent to him fed ex, I believe.
The problem is that when the husband moves out, and has to pay for another place, sometimes another family, as well as paying child support, and possibly alimony, he would have difficulty helping to pay the mortgage.
In my case, I had worked at home for quite a few years, as a receptionist in his business, plus I did taxes and bookkeeping, wrote payroll checks, taking out taxes from the charts, took care of household bills, as well as business bills, but I had no real job training. I had had jobs in dress shops and singing, a little modeling, fashion show kind of things in a local dress shop, for the Women's Show. I took care of kids, cleaned house, took the older one to activities like soccer and cub scouts, even was a den mother, and my husband den father for a while.
What happened in my case, was that without a lot of earning ability, I felt I could not keep a double mortgaged house. My husband had been extravagant, and while the mortgage all together was not huge, I still felt it was steep.
But, if I had really set my mind to it, I have learned now, that women going through divorces, can get a special low mortgage with some banks. Women have to start working, even with young kids. This was when I became a substitute teacher, and then worked in a health food store, then went back to substitute teaching, an ideal job for a young mother, because of the hours. Plus, I could not drive at night, and teachers go home before dark.
For me, going back to school at thirty-eight, was kind of a mistake, I think, six years later, because my department was too competitive, and I did well, but it ended up a waste of time, because I could not finish. However, there is much financial aid for single mothers who want to go to school, but I advise against loans.
Lastly, if you have no other choice than to buy a trailer like I did, to own a home, then make the best of it. You can fix it up with paint, carpentry, gardening, lighting, etc.. You may not be keeping up with the Jones's, but it works, and all you have to pay is lot rent, and that is not too much.
Still, I regret not trying harder to keep the house, but this is the typical scenario in many cases of divorce. My story is a little tragic, but I am sure others have difficulties too. The end.
If you are a woman, and your husband is unfaithful, even once, it would be better to get out while you are still young, or before your self-esteem is destroyed. People do not change. It is not that you cannot forgive, just that it is not something that will go away, and most likely will happen again.
If you have children, do not give up custody, fight for them, or you will regret it. You may have split custody, but keep young children with you.
If there is property and a house, which you obtained together, then keep the house. Get a lawyer, ask for alimony, child support and keep the house, even if you have to take in a renter. I know it is hard, but you will regret it if you do not, because it is very hard for a single woman, unless rich, to buy or build a house these days.
Do not get involved with any man in the first year. You are lonely and vulnerable, and you will not make a good choice, and looking back, you will regret not waiting for the right person. Men pray on recently divorced, beautiful, young women, especially with houses, like vultures. You may be prey to an opportunistic predator. That is what happened to me. He will destroy your life bit by bit, and will make your husband look like a prince by comparison. And, last but not least, if the new man disrespects you or your kids, even one bit, say "adios amigo." Say, "hit the road Jack, and don't let the door hit you in the ass on your way out." Tell your husband the same, the very first time he hits you or cheats on you.
Not everyone has a very supportive family. They may not give you good advice. They will tell you for years to come that you were the one who wanted a divorce. They do not know the inside story. Only you know if you have been left, and only you know what happened behind closed doors.
It is not fair that men live in luxury and wealth, while women and children live in poverty. My own ex-husband lived in a huge house on a lake with his new wife and kids, while my kids had to grow up in a trailer. It is not fair, but if you are not careful, this can happen. Be careful. Please be careful. DO NOT WASTE TIME ON ANY MAN NOT WORTH IT!!!
Truthfully, I do not like judgment of any kind, as to good or bad, what is okay and not. This is only my own experience. Sometimes, feelings of not being alive, feelings of apathy, whether or not a defense mechanism, can be self-made. We may, for some reason or another, want to be alone. Alone is not bad. There is no judgment here. I am merely saying that sometimes when I feel really closed in, suffocating, stifled, stagnating, a part of that is self-imposed. I may for some reason need to protect myself from the outside world, and only fifty percent of my cloister may be caused by my circumstances. Half of it may be caused by the way I have chosen to live.
Chris Rock, the comedian, says in one of his stand ups, we have a video or DVD of, "you know how they have these crazy ads for drugs, like do you go to sleep at night and wake up in the morning?..."
Part of this is funny, and really funny, but partly I think, people do not want to wake up. What I am saying is that life has become so hard for so many, that waking up is a challenge. Going to sleep is easy, because it is an escape. We have to sleep, for health, mental and physical. It is a part of being a living thing, but it is the waking which is hard for us sometimes, and of course we do not want to wake up too early, which is what the ad probably really meant.
One way of renewing a sense of self, is to throw out old stuff, including old behavior, old beliefs, old physical objects and possessions. Throw out only what is no longer serving you, within and without. Make goals, even if others would say they are unreachable. Others may try to impose their own goals or agendas on you, and perhaps they are not being realistic, but only we can know what we can or cannot do. So, make goals that you feel may be possible. Do not tell others what your goals are, because they may discourage you or tell you it is not realistic. Possible or not, the goals you aim for, are most likely, way more plausible than the ones that others, parents, peers, etc., put on you, because you and only you know what it is you truly want, and what is truly possible. No one else knows, but you.
So, if people tell you stupid ideas, just say, "that's interesting," but look forward to your own ideas, goals, and what you truly believe will make you happiest. Hold tight to that, and forget the rest. It may or may not come to be, but the closer you get to your own dreams, the better you will feel. I have lived the dreams of others, have tried to believe the dreams of others, and it never works for me. You have to find your own self, your own dreams, what you really, really want, and try to make that happen. Do not say no, say how? Namaste.
Some of us are very hard on ourselves, as well as hard on others. Sometimes, there are those of us who do not want to be the way we are. We do not want to hurt anyone. We want to be loving and kind, not everyone does, but many of us really do.
Some say family relations are hardest. I think that is true. The relationship of the adult child to parent is often a mixture of fondness, high regard, but also contempt and resentment. Ultimately, we would ask ourselves to forgive them, to forgive everyone that has ever in our book, let us down.
Sometimes I am not that nice, and I regret that, but I know that if I look at myself and where I was coming from, there was a resentment, jealousy or fear. All resentments are related to fear, fear of loss, loss of security, self-esteem, etc.. People are complex and in some ways not.
We sometimes are people pleasers, pushed around, do things we do not really want to, just to be agreeable, but the grudge we feel just festers in the situation, making one's own behavior less than desirable. It is hard to put on a front, a happy face, all the time. We get un-centered. Words are unsettling. We forget to say, 'what do you mean?' We make too much of words, but we are caught off balance, lose our bearings. This is what happens to me. I do not know about you, but you probably understand.
We cannot be perfect. I cannot. Maybe you can, and all I can do is try to do my best and stop beating myself up for not always pleasing everyone, for being a scared little girl deep down, who is afraid of insecurity, of loss of self respect, sense of self. The best thing is to keep our head held high enough so that these little unsettling events do not turn us into a zombie for days. I do not know if this makes sense or if it is just me, and perhaps I have mild mood swings, maybe intense, but I am sure I am not the only one. We all have issues, and some are sicker than others. We do not have a gage to measure that, but our actions show the truth of it.
Actions speak louder than words, but words are important too. Sometimes a kind word can lift someone's spirits, or even lending an ear, not for gossip, but when someone has a problem.
There is a Diana Ross song: Reach out and touch somebody's hand, make this world a better place if you can... take a little time out of your busy day, to help someone who's lost their way, would I be talking to a stone if I asked you to share a problem that's not your own?... when you meet an old friend on the street and he's down - you know his shoes could fit your feet... reach out and touch... Most people don't have time anymore for anyone. Make time. Take time. Make a difference for someone, anyone, a child, a teen, a tween, an old person, someone going through something, a blind person, a sick person - help somebody, or in the words of Bob Dylan, SERVE SOMEBODY! Stop doing things for prestige and stature, just do it for the good of good itself. Get out of self, not for more self gratifying achievement of holiness, but for the sake of love, for love's sake.
I heard on the news tonight, they found the violin played by one of the musicians on the Titanic, who went down playing. The band went down playing. We should all go down playing. Do not be afraid to die, just live. I believe Gandhi said, 'learn like you will live forever, live like you will die tomorrow.'
No matter how bad things are, they could be worse. Usually. Recently I watched a true story on Netflix about a girl who was severely abused by her foster parent in the fifties, with the help of the foster home provider's natural sons. It disturbed me deeply.
We cannot control the world, but perhaps we can control ourselves. Honestly, I am a greatly flawed individual and I will be the first to admit that. I have been called angry and bitter, and I will own that, although as they say, and I say this without losing sight of gratitude for the good in my life, someone may always have it worse, if not greatly worse. People are crucified like Jesus Christ every day, from a country in Africa, where a child is raped, a family killed, to here in the states where a child is murdered, sold into human trafficking, a huge worldwide problem, to a child abused at home or in foster care, to an abused spouse. People are crucified daily, and I mean literally, let alone the concentration camps sixty years ago or more, but all over the world.
I am trying to make an amends to my readers, in a sense, for being selfish, self-centered, and self-serving, if you will. I have gratitude for what I do have, and I want you to know that, rich or poor, sick or healthy, I really do. Here is an example of a gratitude list: 1) food and shelter
2) health
3) being able to pay bills
4) friends and family
5) clothing
6) talents and abilities
This is a good thing to do, very therapeutic, and suggested by sponsors in twelve step programs, before anything else sometimes, and more than once, from time to time, over the years. It is part of emotional sobriety and having a daily reprieve, a program, something everyone should have, I think. It is a time of meditation, reflection, prayer, and self-searching, knowing what we could have done better, and what we can change or cannot, as well as how we can make an amends for our wrong doings, quickly and promptly, step nine and ten, The Twelve Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous.
I went through a letter box of mine, trying to clear space in a metaphysical sense. There are some unnecessary things one hangs onto, but others that help make us who we are. I guess the thing is to let go of what is no longer serving your higher self at the time.
